Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

🤣

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.