Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.

my friends: omg how are you!

me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*