WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
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I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.