Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.