Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies