Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

“Band? We thought you said ban”

TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Mary Jane: So…know what today is?

Spider-Man: Um…no.

MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.

Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.

MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.