Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.

Somebody call the cops.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.