WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
You Might Also Like
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
More like Kate Missington.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon