WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
You Might Also Like
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
hello pervert is such a strong opener
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees