WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Aaaa…CHOO!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.