WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.


“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture


I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.


All I’m saying is that if M&M’s poured out of a person after you stabbed them, I’d probably lose my moral compass very quickly.


good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.


Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …

She : You want both !?


911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*


In retrospect, the kidnapping was going according to plan until I blew my nose on the rag I’d soaked with chloroform.


[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?


I fall in love too easily.


It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily