WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
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with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume