Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines

me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.