WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
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“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.