WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
🙁
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
So we got a goldfish…
Good morning ☺️
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.