Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
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Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
rip to my favourite tweet
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate