Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

This morning in my local coffee shop.

Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”

Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”

#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.

We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

So many pants.
So little yoga.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.