My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
eggs benadryl
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball