Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

They say women only use 10% of their anger

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.