Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer