Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

*takes everything personally

Everyone: hey, give me that back!

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

Just got to our Airbnb!

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

Well, this explains it:

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer