Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!

Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here

christening a ship with an overripe banana

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles