Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved