Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂