Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: π πΎπ π·π΄π°π π³ π·πΈπΌ.
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After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo iβve decided to throw myself in the trash.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: Κ·α΅’Λ‘Λ‘ Λ’α΅α΅ α΅α΅α΅α΅α΅ α΅Κ°α΅α΅.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
βΎ
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
5 told me she canβt help me clean up her toys because sheβs tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said βugh theyβre always making us write our namesβ.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
when you say the word βspitβ you have at least two opportunities to do so
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris