Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

What I say: “Agree to disagree”

What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.