If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
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Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Your blood pressure looks normal, I’ll fix that. – Children, every five minutes.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Finally nailed my girlfriend and her twin last night You know how I tell them apart? Her brother has a mustache.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.