Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
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ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
For those that worship cheese..
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no