Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

Velcrow

Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭

We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)

me irl

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

SQUARREL

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?