Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

Writing, She Murdered.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?

ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

I unironically love this joke.

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.