WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
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GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
lmfao
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Why am I like this?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
All excellent questions
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”