WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My teenage children choosing violence
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation