WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
You Might Also Like
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
🤣😈🤣
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense