Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.