Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

They’re the worst 😩

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought