Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

I’m literally crying

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.