WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
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Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney