Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
back to work
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.