Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
this chia pet tastes awful
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW