Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?

God: Yes

Raccoon: Comical?

God: *chuckles* Yes

Raccoon: Would make a great pet?

God: Oh my yes

Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!

God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet