I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
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My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Stop being racist to kettles.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.