Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*I knee slide down the aisle, microphone to lips*
ARE YOU READYYYYYYYY FOR JEFF’S FUNERAL?!
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“I have no advice. I can’t talk! I am a building.” -Prison advice