@animadvertguy

WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.

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@daemonic3

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

@AnnietheNanny1

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

@adamhess1

Boss: and you’re sure you know the names of all the vegetables?
Sign maker on his 1st day: …yes

@OneyeBogey

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

@clint_bing

*I knee slide down the aisle, microphone to lips*
ARE YOU READYYYYYYYY FOR JEFF’S FUNERAL?!

@Sophie2078

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

@SteveSuckington

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

@donni

“I have no advice. I can’t talk! I am a building.” -Prison advice