If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.
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Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they’ll come back to life with a vengeance.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday