WIFE: really?
ME: uh?
WIFE: 20 mins and you haven’t noticed?
ME: oh! hair looks nice, hun
WIFE: [crossing her 1 arm] I had my surgery today.

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I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.

Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.


girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.


I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.


On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.


[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human


I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.


Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’


BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail


Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.