Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”