Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

The afternoons I spent on my hair.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

felt that

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay