Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her