Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber