WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets