WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
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I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Yup.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”