Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Note to self:

Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain