Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

going to the ER y’all need anything

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night