Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

Challenge accepted.

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

This is me 🤣🤣

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?