Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

cause of death:
autopsy.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?