Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Roombas should bark
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Name this drama.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face