Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.