Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

tourist season

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.

*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

*reads recipe and sees “raisins”

Well, that’s not going to happen.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?

Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*