@iinkedZombie

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

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@E_lok44

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

@SeanLowe09

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

@Brianhopecomedy

Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.

@mikeym00n

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

@rohtalks

As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.

@Tbone7219

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

@MattOswaltVA

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

@Darlainky

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

@T_Bonezzz

Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway