Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

started wrapping my pills in cheese

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

[trying on a camouflage jacket]

Me: how much is this

Store Clerk: how much is what

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?