Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?

Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

who wore it better?

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards