Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
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Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
That’s amazing.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.