Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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10. He is a cat.

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

EXPLORER: so we found all this new land

KING: Sweet What did you name it?

E: Newfoundland

K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

she has a point

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing