Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

Okey dokey.

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

I will never stop laughing at this

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury