Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.