Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …

“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Just added something to my bucket list.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that