Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
You Might Also Like
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?