Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
You Might Also Like
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Ha.
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse