Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
So glad we cleared that up
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.