Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin

B2….

or not B2…

That might be the number.

–Shakespearean Bingo Caller

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend