Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

where the womens at?

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

Waiter: Did we decide?

Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.

Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.