*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
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My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds